10 Most Frustrating Things About Amputation

There are lots of annoying and frustrating things about amputation, but I am only going to mention the most important ten for me.

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I am an amputee and I have been for eight years now.

It would be eight years in exactly two days. Wow!

I can’t believe it has been that long since my amputation. Sometimes it seems like yesterday.

Some days it seems like ages ago or another lifetime. And there are days I feel like I would wake up panting, sigh and realise it’s just a dream.

If only it could be a dream …

And that is the first frustrating thing about amputation, there are times you get confused or lost in it all, that you start wondering what is real and what isn’t

The loss of your limb feels like it didn’t really happen sometimes. Or like you had two lifetimes or more and the trauma or amputation happened in one of those past lives.

Phantom pain: This is usually the major frustration of an amputee. It can drive you crazy if you are not careful.

It is there and it is not there, itching, throbbing, gnawing like a missing limb. Like a ghost it never stops taunting, haunting and tormenting.

Yes, the missing limb. You live with its torment for as long as it wishes. Sometimes, it is my big toe nail. It would seem as if someone is pulling off its nails with pliers.

At other times it itches and all you can do is slap, shake, pat and eventually learn to ignore.

Forgetting you are now an amputee: Yes, it is possible. You can forget that you are missing one or two limbs sometimes. And it is cruel. I have been a victim of this many times. It never ends well.

I would forget I have only one leg left, then I’d get up in a hurry and land on my residual limb. Ouch!

No matter how well you have mastered the art of masking pain, you will howl.

It happens a lot now that I have a child. I’d get up to run to catch him or see why he screamed and I’d end up being the one screaming louder than him.

The Pity Stares: It took me a while to get used to this, until recently though.

Whenever I’m going to a place I’ve never been before or where they never seen me. I would practise a lot of breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth.

It is all so I don’t trip from the stares. It is worse when I get out of a car, especially if people have seen my face before I step out.

I can almost heart the ohs and ahs. The way the expressions softened or changed from admiration or interest to pity or just wow. Gosh, I hate it!

Strangers asking you personal questions: I can never get used to this. I always try to be calm and cool though.

Some people can’t keep in their curiosity. “Do you sleep with your prosthetics on?” I do not.

Some are blunt, like how you bath and if you crawl sometimes 🙂

And yes, I do by the way.

Most want to know how it feels to go about in artificial leg.

Mine feels as if I’m wearing a tight shoe, with my toes curled and cramped in the front and my heel pleading for an expansion. That is the best part.

The Lectures: Yes, you sometimes get lectures on how to live your life. It doesn’t matter if they are not amputees or never actually met one.

They read some motivational write ups or listen to them and want you to keep going on living that way.

They have no idea that you are not always the same person you were before your limbs decided to retire untimely.

For me, I was stuck on that road, that sunny day eight years ago for a very long time.

And whenever I hear any loud noise, my head is convinced that my body is about to be mauled again.

How can you make them understand all that?

They always believe it is a switch and all you have to so is flip. They just can’t understand. They are trying to help but it is just what it is.

So, just keep it in, it keeps the lectures short.

Having lots of unused one foot shoes or slippers: I have so many new left shoes and slippers at home. Especially when I was new at this and still trying to get used to my new life

I bought lots of shoes, sandals, flip flops I ended up not using and lots of left foot from the ones I was able to use.

When I got tired of keeping them, I started throwing them out as soon as I got them. At first it felt like throwing my foot away all over again.

Now, I stopped buying slippers or sandals and wearing only shoes. It’s boring but better than keeping the lot

And when I need my right leg to get wet, I wear old shoes or slippers.

Sitting to take a bath: There are days I want to stand to bath so bad. I can stand one leg for a while but not long enough to satisfaction

Disability story

And even then I keep swaying. Then I’d just realise it is not worth slipping in the bathroom. So I would do the standing in my head.

Learning new and different ways to do old things: Amputation forces you to learn everything you have ever known to do in your life all over again.

You have to start from scratch. And even though you know how to do them before, you learn again and this time, harder than you can ever imagine.

Walking, climbing, sitting, even sleeping you have to start all over. At first, I had to be contented with sleeping on my back

Because of this, I had years of sleepless night. I hated sleeping on my back. Amputation taught me to.

You must have the thickest skin ever. Yes, you mist be immune to all I have mentioned above and more.

You learn to be unaffected by all the unpleasantness that comes with amputation or learn to fake it.

Otherwise you would come off as a frustrated soul, aggressive or in need of serious therapy.

You learn to get used to the stares, strangers or even friends and families being kind to you when they don’t have to.

I hate when I know they should be angry but don’t want to be because they feel they shouldn’t.

You get used to the prying, rudeness, pity, lectures, sermons, hiding pains to make your loved ones happy.

You must keep on being strong and courageous no matter how exhausting it is. Because it is not just about you.

Some people need you to be stronger, and since you care about them,. You have to keep moving, crawling, hopping and doing whatever keeps you living one day at a time.

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Top 5 Ways To Overcome Writer’s Block

Graham Greene called writer’s block a “Creative Blockage” one that prevented him from seeing the development of a story, or even at times, its start.

What is Writer’s Block?

Writer’s block is a state of total lack of creative sense. It is like utter emptiness or blackness in a writer’s mind.

Your well of creativity is completely dry, your head becomes a deep dark pitch of nothingness.

You can’t come up with any idea or even a title. You have all this nameless or faceless people running about on your mind. Buy you can’t do anything with them.

For me, sometimes I have an idea but I can’t come up with a start or a middle. And sometimes it is absence of everything.

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I have been suffering from writer’s block for a while now. It is frustrating, annoying and paralysing.

It’s as if I forgot how to use my limbs or that I ever had them. If you have ever experienced it before, you would understand.

When I read some of the poems I wrote years back and some of my other works, I wondered if I actually wrote them. They are so strange because now I can’t write anything close.

So, what are the causes of Writer’s Block?

Any number of things could bring it on, this can be physical, mental or psychological.

It could arise from anxiety, depression, personal problem, trauma, solitude, judgement or criticism, hopelessness, solitude, overanalysing, stress or even a person.

Sometimes when you have written works or years of writing behind you, keeping up with your own standard becomes a burden that could bring on a block.

You kill your ideas before you begin or while at it because you decided they’re not good enough. Frustration sets in and you are blocked.

How Long Does It Last?

It can last anytime from hours to weeks, months, or years. And sometimes it depends on the writer or the actual cause of his creative blockage.

How Can You Overcome Writer’s Block?

Don’t Stop Writing: The mistake I made was I stopped writing. At first I wanted to write more by all means. I wanted to be able to write like I used to. When I couldn’t, I was frustrated. So, I stopped.

Writing is like a muscle that needs to be flexed. When muscles are not used your body interpreted that they are not important.

So, your body stops supporting them and giving them energy. They shrink. The same happens to a writer who stops writing.

Write anything that comes to your mind, anything you see, what you are feeling or maybe what someone beside you is going through. Just write, eventually a good idea will come up.

Get Personal: This is what I did and still doing. I get personal. I started writing about me. My creative blockage came as a result of PTSD- trauma, depression and, anxiety.

I have been writing about it all, my story, my scars, my life after the trauma. The good, the bad and the ugly.

And the in between too, there are lots of stories, experiences, healing, friendship, loyalty, betrayal, hope, hopelessness and more.

While at it, go out more, see people, socialise, go to parties, do things that you don’t do before. Breathe, walk, feel, be happy.

There are so many people who can learn from those things that made you, you and the ones that remoulded you. Write about them!

Write Reviews: Write reviews of books, novels, plays. You can do same for products, ones you have used or love. You can write them in form of recommendations or even critics.

Write About Your Passion: You can write about something you love or someone. And it could be something you used to love, show why you stopped loving them and how that makes you feel.

It could be a hobby too, travelling, hiking, painting; they could lead to the beginning of a great story.

Listen to Motivational Speech: This here is to listen to them, not read them. Do it outdoors if possible with your earpiece. Have a writing pad and pen with you.

This is because I’m positive you will definitely gain a lot. It will trigger something in your head and ideas will spill out.

It has happened to the best of all and they overcame it. You will surely do too. Don’t stop writing.

Have you ever experienced Writer’s Block Before? How did you overcome it?










	

25 Things You Don’t Know About Me

I saw this online and I felt it’s a great way to make my readers and visitors get to know the person behind this blog.

1• I am the third child in my family.

2• I don’t have a favourite food or drink, but I love bananas if that counts as food.

3• My favourite colour is blue, all shades of blue. But recently, I’m leaning towards red. I don’t believe it too, I used to hate red.

4• I was painfully shy as a child. When I was younger, I would sometimes choke on my words. I’d spend hours rehearsing my conversations, saying them to myself over and over again.

But when the time comes to voice them out my tongue would stick to the roof of my mouth, and I’ll forget them all or they just stuck somewhere in my throat.

So, I was tagged with names like Franker, Snob. The rude ones just call me arrogant, proud peacock and so on.

5• I always find it difficult to ask for help. Don’t ask why because I won’t be able to give you the answer. I don’t know why myself. Maybe I’m shy or scared of being turned down or mocked. I don’t know or simply put, maybe I’m just a control freak and hate giving the wheel to someone else.

Honestly, I have no idea why. It is just what it is.

6• My dream job as a kid was to become a surgeon..lol (:

7• I’m a PTSD candidate on the road to recovery or not.

8• I have serious anxiety problem so bad that even my fears scare me. When you are at the point where you’re scared of being scared, it is terrifying.

Yeah, I know it’s bad I should seek for help. But we are in Nigeria, people hardly care about things like that. malaria, Infection, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, yeah, but PTSD? You’d have to get in line or stay at home if you don’t want to end up being tagged crazy.

9• My least favourite thing about myself is, I over analyse a lot; maybe a little too much. I used to hate that about myself. Now, I’ve accepted it as who I am.

10• My favourite clothing or dressing is whatever is convenient for me. My dressing for now is more of convenience than fashion.

11• I despise fake people, cheaters and liars.

12• My all time movie is Twilight Saga. I just love the main characters’ love, their relationship, determination and strength.

13• My favourite TV series is The Originals. “Always and Forever” I guess it shows my belief on family. No matter what, family should stand for and beside one another.

14• I love making people happy. I love it when I can make someone smile for joy, it makes me happy.

15• And I loved walking in the rain, barefoot. I missed it. I still do it in my head tho 🙂

16• I wanted to be an actress or or anything that has to do with being on TV but I was always too shy to face camera. I tried acting for a while then walked away. Don’t ask or wonder why, it’s a secret (;

17• I’ve only eaten pizza twice in my life. But those two times left nasty taste in my mouth. Now, I don’t think I’ll ever taste it again.

18• I don’t listen to news. I see it as a constant reminder of all the things wrong with the world that no one can actually do anything about. Here, it is like an everyday celebration of the triumph of the powerful over the weak; the rich over the poor.

19• I don’t like having a clock or any device that tells or shows the time in my bedroom. My head does that enough.

20• My biggest pet peeves are loud chewing and breathing.

21• I used to hate Wednesdays since I was a kid. Now, they terrify me. I was hit by a truck on Wednesday. It took my left leg, broke my pelvis in more places than I care to remember and weakened my right knee. Weird? I know. If I had my way, I’d rather not go out on Wednesdays.

22• I have tinnitus. One of the souvenir from my accident.

23• I cook and eat a lot when I’m sad or worried.

24• I have the worst luck in my choice of men. And I have this weird magnet that draws the meanest of them. If they don’t find me, I’ll find them.

25• Ah! I hate spiders and cockroaches. And just about all crawling things. I feel my skin crawling after them long after they disappeared.

What are the things you would like people to know about you? Add yours in the comment section.

Why You Need to Write

When I started my blog on WordPress free blog in 2012, I just wanted to write. I needed to express myself and I wanted a way to do that, so blogging unlocked that door for me.

Then I realised that was not all. I needed a way to say all I had to say without necessarily getting a response. I just wanted to express myself without judgement, counsel, sermon, pity or sympathy.

I wanted to be free.

I had just gone through a life and body changing experience, something no one could ever be prepared for. My life just had a mysterious turnaround, so many dreams yet to become a reality. I have not yet lived, then I stopped living. I was in shock.

There were so many people ready to help me pick and sort through the pieces left by the ravaging storm. There were lots of suggestions about how to move on. I heard a lot of real life experiences to learn from, comforting words from the Bible, motivational words from those who had gone through same, almost same and those who were closed to people with similar problems.

They had no idea, not really

But none of them could penetrate. They couldn’t give me what I needed, because even I didn’t know what i needed. There was none of them who had actually gone through what i had been through. They knew someone who knew someone who had been through similar situation. I looked at them and concluded they could never understand.

And every time i tried to explain or let them in to what i was really feeling they preach more, they suggest more when all I needed was just to express, so I started a blog.

I started a blog to express all I was feeling

I wrote about my fears, my pain, my loneliness, my hopelessness and hope. there were no comments, no sermon, no judgement and no urges to move on and leave the past in the past

I was free.

Writing set me free, it gave me the freedom to express myself without holding back. i was able to vent, rant, scream and cry without shame.

and then it healed me

I am Only Human

You have been good to me

You have been gracious

Gracious more than I deserve

Sometimes, it’s just so hard

Hard to be me

Harder to accept this is me

All I have seen

All I have gone through

All I have had to do

To be the me I can be

Some days I can’t but imagine

What if?

Other days I can’t but picture

What could have been

I am not ungrateful

I am only human

Droplets

IMG-20150217-WA003

I would melt into you
if only I could
reach far enough
to touch you
pull you into me
trace every contours of your skin
memorise every oulines of your form
and together we would melt
like droplets in the river
you into me
I into you
till we know not
where you end
or I begin
I reached
I pulled
and touched….
all I kissed
was a gush of air

Like Gold -A Poem on Pain And Triumph

I have known pain
I have known fear 

Fear chilling than the harmattan air

Pain, fiercer and harsher than the whips of a thousand horsemen
My soul sank deep into the river of pain and fear
I sought refuge in the bosom of the younger dawns
I hid in their embrace and they comforted me
I dreamt of the rebirth of her garden in all its glory
I felt the healing miracle of the morning sun

When Eva bathed in her warmth;

And I saw her inhabitants
came alive with the songs of the birds, and fluttering flowers in the breeze

I have known pain;
Nameless, faceless fear
I sunk deep into their depths
And they hurt no more

Like Gold, A poem on pain and triumph over life challenges.

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AVOWAL

IMG-20150101-WA012
I bow in awe of You
King of kings
Who was
Is
And will always be
From generation to generation
To the end of time
Your mercy endures
Your love found me
Out of the depth of the stream
My soul sought Your face
Your words- Your desire
In those waiting on Your mercy
I employed in my cry for help
Your strong arms
Delivered my soul
Your wings of protection
Shielded me from tempest
Your mighty voice
Calmed the raging storm
And satisfied my soul
With immeasurable peace
You stripped me of my sack cloth
And clothed me with joy
You are true and just
Merciful and gracious
I bow in awe of You
Ancient of days
You are who they say You are
You are the Lord

Nothing Left

Awesome
Nothing left in my heart
Save the pounding
That I cannot drown
In the deep of the night
Nothing left on my lips
Save the humming of the whips
As they collide with my skin
Singing of their stings
Nothing left to remember
Save the stench of the others
Clinging to your skin
As you whirl by
Nothing left in my heart
Save the promise of forever
Victim of still birth
Smothered by treachery
Nothing left on my mind
Save the forgotten songs
Of the ties that bind
Awaiting next ill-fated pair
Nothing left of our love
Save the closed void
Where you once lived
Scarred by voidness
Nothing left of our passion
Save the hollow ache
Of unfulfilled longing
Fading with time
Nothing left in my heart
Save the stillness of the flutters
And the echoes
Of your departing feet
(Thanks to K. O J for the picture)