Soul Searching

So, lately I have been on some kind of rediscovery and soul searching journey.

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I feel somewhere along my journey here I have forgotten or lost the person I used to be or wanted to be. I have no idea what I am actually searching for but I know I am not comfortable with the present me.

For the past seven years, I have hardly been by myself. I always have someone close by, to watch me or assist.

I guess because of this, I have come to accept that I can’t be alone. I have accepted the believe that I have to be dependent on someone else to survive.

I used to hate depending on someone else for everything or even partially. I hate it more if the person I depend on is aware of this fact. And I detest it if they show it directly or indirectly that I can’t do without them.

So, I decided on living alone. Yes, I know it is dangerous.

What if I fall? If I slip in the bathroom and hit my head, land on my half limb or worse.

There are lots of what ifs that could go wrong. But I feel like one way to heal myself mentally is by taking some control of my life back. I need to see for myself how far I can go.

I admit it has not being easy. There are so many times when I wanted to break down and cry. I would have, but I have a little person who depends on me. I would say he makes it easier to keep going especially when I remember he needs me. He is my propeller.

His presence boosts my spirit and keeps me going

We have unconsciously created our daily routines and as young as he is, he has come to know them too.

The combination of chores and work is overwhelming for me. But I am learning to take it slowly and breathing when I’m exhausted. I do all things they’d help me with and more. I’d get tired, sometimes barely able to move. I would rest and keep going.

I realised that those things I have thought to be impossible becomes possible because I dared to stare them in the face. Because I dared to try.

I am not saying it is easy. And I am not asking you to try to be like me because I have no idea what you’re going through or what your limitations are. But I say wouldn’t you rather know? At least you would gain some satisfaction from knowing you tried.

What I have learnt so far is, sometimes taking control of your life puts you directly on the road to recovery.

I hope you overcome whatever challenges you are going through and rediscover the person you are or meant to be.

8 Replies to “Soul Searching”

  1. This is amazing and I feel as though I really needed to read this. Taking and being in control of life can feel like such a struggle at times and is definitely a journey.
    Glad to see you’re getting there.

  2. It’s so brave of you to look into your life, see what you need and make changes. Not many people honestly do that! It can be painful, but you’ll be in such a better place in your life!

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