You Can Do It!

All that the spider needs to complete its web is step taking.

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

A Spider already possesses a web, it carries it about with it all day. And when the time comes for it to spin, it just unfolds and spins on.

You also have all that you need to spin your web. So, spin on!

You have it all; you’ve got the strength, the potential, the qualities, and the talent. You just need to belief in yourself, that you can do it.

You don’t need anyone to believe that you can do it, as long as you believe in yourself and what you’re capable of.     

Agatha Stephanie Lin

You can do it. You are capable of standing alone, for yourself and for what you believe in. You have the courage, you have the will just breathe and take that leap of faith.

You cannot keep looking before you jump all the time. There are times when you just have to jump. Leap today, and stop wondering what if.

For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind. 2Tim 1:7

You can do whatever you set your heart to do. The human mind is stronger than we could ever imagined. It is the best tool, weapon we could ever possess. Unless you use it to achieve that thing you are scared of doing, it just remains your mind.

But once you power it with faith and fuel it with determination, you will be amazed at all those great things you can accomplish.

We are complete being, blessed with all we need to survive in this complicated world. I have watched myself do things even I never believed possible. I have accomplished more as an amputee than I did before my accident.

I was always scared of driving before my accident. I would wonder how one could control a vehicle and not end up in a ditch somewhere everyday.

After I was hit by a truck, I became scared of everything. I was terrified of my fears too. I could barely step out of my room. I became fond of small places like bathrooms. I would stay in there longer than I should just to avoid coming out.

Whenever I had to go out I was always anxious of having another accident, running someone over with our car. Then someone suggested they got me a car. I almost died of the shock of actually sitting at the wheels.

I drive everywhere now, work, school clinics, every where. I am still terrified. Every day when I sit at the wheels I say to myself, “I can do it. I hold in my hands the lives of every one in the car with me and everyone on the road. So, I have to do this well,” And I do it everyday.

You can do it too. I don’t know what you think you can’t accomplish. I don’t know if you believe you can no longer face your life or keep living. I am telling you today, that you can do it.

You can live. You can reach your goals. You can be better. You can walk out of that abusive relationship. You can take care of yourself and your kids.

You are courageous, amazing and intelligent. You are you and you can do it!

So, go into the world and be great.

You Have All You Need To Be You

Hello you,

Thank you for visiting my blog today. I am so happy you are here. I just want to tell you that you are awesome. You’re doing great and you’re more than enough.

You have a purpose and you are doing all you can to achieve it. You have everything you need to be who you are meant to be. You got it together, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Things might not look so great right now. It may seem as if you are not doing enough or that you’re not enough. But that’s just what they are, “seems” “might not”, they just seem but not so. You are getting there and you will.

It doesn’t matter if people think what you are doing doesn’t matter, or if you think so sometimes.

It matters to you, that’s why you started on it. You matter, that’s all that matters.

There is so much to you that you don’t know yet. There are so many things you can do, so much you can achieve that you have not explored yet.

You are a packaged deal with all you need to fulfill your purpose here. And they will soon unfold to you.

Just keep doing what you love, keep going, keep hoping, keep working hard and one day you will get there.

Remember, you are important, you matter, you are great; you are here and you will get there.

You are all you need, you have all you need.

Somewhere in the Dark

I wonder what waits in the dark

I want to know who lurks in the shadow

When I turn

When my breath stilled

Right there at the corner of my eyes, a presence.

Sometimes,

I’d turn ever so slowly

Maybe I’d catch a glimpse

Sometimes I’d pause a few breath

At other times in the deep darkness of the night

I’d lie quietly with my eyes closed

Hoping to catch the hum of another breath.

In the darkness,

behind me, she chooses to linger

The girl I was supposed to be

Soul Searching

So, lately I have been on some kind of rediscovery and soul searching journey.

I feel somewhere along my journey here I have forgotten or lost the person I used to be or wanted to be. I have no idea what I am actually searching for but I know I am not comfortable with the present me.

For the past seven years, I have hardly been by myself. I always have someone close by, to watch me or assist.

I guess because of this, I have come to accept that I can’t be alone. I have accepted the believe that I have to be dependent on someone else to survive.

I used to hate depending on someone else for everything or even partially. I hate it more if the person I depend on is aware of this fact. And I detest it if they show it directly or indirectly that I can’t do without them.

So, I decided on living alone. Yes, I know it is dangerous.

What if I fall? If I slip in the bathroom and hit my head, land on my half limb or worse.

There are lots of what ifs that could go wrong. But I feel like one way to heal myself mentally is by taking some control of my life back. I need to see for myself how far I can go.

I admit it has not being easy. There are so many times when I wanted to break down and cry. I would have, but I have a little person who depends on me. I would say he makes it easier to keep going especially when I remember he needs me. He is my propeller.

His presence boosts my spirit and keeps me going

We have unconsciously created our daily routines and as young as he is, he has come to know them too.

The combination of chores and work is overwhelming for me. But I am learning to take it slowly and breathing when I’m exhausted. I do all things they’d help me with and more. I’d get tired, sometimes barely able to move. I would rest and keep going.

I realised that those things I have thought to be impossible becomes possible because I dared to stare them in the face. Because I dared to try.

I am not saying it is easy. And I am not asking you to try to be like me because I have no idea what you’re going through or what your limitations are. But I say wouldn’t you rather know? At least you would gain some satisfaction from knowing you tried.

What I have learnt so far is, sometimes taking control of your life puts you directly on the road to recovery.

I hope you overcome whatever challenges you are going through and rediscover the person you are or meant to be.

Things Just Happen

Is there some reasons why some things good or bad happen to us? If you are good, good stuffs come to you and if you are bad, you get the bad?

It would be great if it does happen that way wouldn’t it? At least when horrible things befall you, everybody would know you are reaping what you sowed.

I believe things don’t always happen for a reason, they just happen. Looking for explanations as to why they do make situations worse, hard to move on and let go. The easiest would be to accept they just happen randomly.

I have come to realise that, believing in the fact that there are reasons behind everything that happens to us give us hope and make them bearable especially in case of unfortunate incidence.

But what happens when you don’t get answers..?

I spent a lot of time trying to understand why I had to go through some tough times. Why it had to be me. I did everything right, or tried to. I was certain there was reason, a purpose, some explanations.

So, I waited for answers, reasons…

There were no answers, no explanations. Finally, I started telling myself I probably just don’t deserve good things. And this is the worst stage anyone could get to. I started doubting myself, judging my choices, my decisions.

I lost faith in myself, in prayers, everything I stood for.

Sometimes, bad or good things just happen.

For the sake of one’s sanity, it is better to accept that things just happen and we have to believe so and not expect to find any rational reassons as to why we have to go through them or why we have to be the one in that kind of situation.

You can ask yourself if not you then who, your brother or sister, your mother or child, your husband or wife. Who would you like to pick?

We are in a world where we can’t have the good without the bad. We can’t have one without the other.

We just have to learn to take the good with the bad. Be grateful for the good and be strong for the bad when it comes.

The Innocence of a Child

“I’m interested in how innocence fares when it collides with hard reality.

Geoffrey S. Fletcher

I am interested too. I would like to know what happens when hard reality collides with innocence.

Does it just evaporate at once, or slowly transform into harsh reality?

Or it just vanished that you have no idea it was ever there?

Does it leave traces of it’s presence in you after it’s departure?

Does the space it leaves aches, throb or pulsate, gnaw and itch like phantom pain?

Maybe I don’t want to know, maybe I do know already.

Yesterday, I was almost late to get to work. I left my baby in his bathe to check on the soup in the kitchen. He loves playing with water.

Sometimes, I’d let him play there awhile. Sometimes I’d leave him just to attend to something else. I dashed out of the kitchen to check him and to drop his flask inside. I slipped. My artificial limb went one way, and the right leg the other.

It was sudden, I yelped loudly before I could stop myself.

My baby looked up and our eyes met. There were tears in my eyes. He imitated the sound I made and started laughing. He clapped his hands and kept laughing making the sickening sound over and over again.

I kept staring at him, tears rolling down my eyes, not from pain but his innocence.

I wondered if something happened to me then, something worst, if he would ever know. He would probably keep laughing until he’s bored and needs my attention. I shook off the thought and rearranged my legs.

My hips were throbbing from the fall. I tried to get up but couldn’t.

Our eyes met again and he started crying.

So, I laughed, mimicking his laughter. He joined me. He was happy. He’s a baby.

I thought then of when he understands my condition. It would no longer be a smile or laughter. He’d run to my side, probably cry with me. He would learn to help me up, soothe my pain and then he would know or learn to hide his tears and pain behind a smile like I did.

For now, I wish he’d laugh for a while yet before he comes to know the hard reality of life and the battles I fight everyday.

I hope he remains a child for a while and not grow up too fast.

I pray life realities do not hit you too hard, smashing your innocence while at it.

I hope it comes— slowly, until then I shall do all I can to preserve your innocence for as long as I can.

How To Break Free From Our Past

We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.

Rick Warren

 

For some of us, it is not easy to free ourselves from our past. We remain chained to it for as long as we live, until we break free or pretend to be free. Most times, we pretend to be.

So, truly we are product of our past, it remolds us to a new or strange person even we can’t recognise, accept or embrace. I am yet to see a person who goes through a traumatic experience and remain the same.

I used to be a very private person, shy, daring, and bold. My friends were my books, my novels, I had a very beautiful world where I lived mostly with the characters in my novels and the ones in my head.

But after my accident, especially after the corrective surgery on my pelvis, I became a different person. I could read for hours and never get tired, now I can barely read a book for an hour before dropping it for something else.

Then there is always this feeling of detachment, like some part of you is somewhere else or like you don’t have all that makes you whole in one place.

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.” John Banville

John Banville is so right about the above. I know because I can relate. The past feels like you have another being inside of you. And each breath he takes reminds you of what you went through. Each pump of his heart makes it difficult to let go.

You can’t break free, it keeps you glued to that one fateful day or days in your past. You live everyday with the memory of your torment playing ever slowly in front of you. Although the incidence happened so fast you thought you saw nothing, later you see everything in your mind over and over again till it’s the only thing you can see.

Some days, you wake up and feel normal, ready to face the day, ready to move on, try new adventures and break free from that which imprisons you. Then like a punch it hits you in the nose and you are face in the mud back to where you were.

“Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” Cormac McCarthy

Other days, it wouldn’t be the memory hunting, taunting you. It will be the souvenirs you got from the past. They have this funny habit of reminding you of your darkest days at your happiest or best times. At that time when you feel you have risen above them, they rise higher and  shove you back in the water, leaving you, choking, gasping for breath.

No matter how far or fast you run, it always catches up with you. It lies in wait for you in your most vulnerable moment in the present, entraps and holds you down.

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” Gautama Buddha,

 

No one can save us. Not the quotes or the counsels or our books on moving on. We are the only one who can save ourselves. We must look within and outside to find the best and easiest way to break free from our past.

If I had A Time Machine

If I had a time machine, what would I do with it?

Where would I go?

I would most definitely visit the year 2012 or maybe 2011 because that was where and when things started falling apart. It was when I first fell. But if I want to be exact or accurate then I would visit one particular day in 2012 and change things as much as I could or maybe just one thing.

I told myself so many times that I wouldn’t want to change anything about my past or my life.

I made this promise because whenever I think deeply about my life I have no idea who I would be without my pain, my challenges, and the trauma that put me where I am now. No matter what angle I visualised, I always come up with the same conclusion, nowhere, no one.

So what changed my view about time travelling?

The answer is simple, I had another life changing experience. I had a baby. For him, I would go back in time and change things if I could. If I had a time machine I would travel back to that day, April 11, 2012 and see what I could change to make sure I didn’t experience that turnaround.

I still can’t figure out what part of the day brought me here or maybe I have to change the whole day. Or maybe all I needed was just one or two events because I have come to realise that when you have someone you love so much than life itself then you will do everything for them to make them happy and comfortable.

Life as an unbalanced mother is never balance.

There is always the fear of falling, slipping, tripping and even injuring your baby when this happens. Or what happens to your baby if something should happen to you. The worst is the fear of not being able to catch your baby if he falls or watch him slip or trip because you can’t get to him on time to save him or help him.

There was one day my baby was sqautting in the doorway, on the threshold, his hand was on the pavement I could see the door coming, closing, but I couldn’t get to him on time to save him. Three of his fingers were badly bruised. there was this look on his face that stayed with me for a while like he knew I didn’t get to him on time.

So if I had a time machine I would stay in bed all day that day, I wouldn’t go out and I’d still have my leg. My pelvis would be intact and there would be no persistent waist pain torturing me all day

Then I would be able to hold my baby, rock him and take him on a walk.

There would be no need to live in endless fear of not being able to protect him. If I had a time capsule I would stop that truck from hitting me.

The only problem is even if I had it I wouldn’t know what part of that day to change. Maybe my fate was even sealed a long time before it came to fulfilment.

Why You Need to Write

When I started my blog on WordPress free blog in 2012, I just wanted to write. I needed to express myself and I wanted a way to do that, so blogging unlocked that door for me.

Then I realised that was not all. I needed a way to say all I had to say without necessarily getting a response. I just wanted to express myself without judgement, counsel, sermon, pity or sympathy.

I wanted to be free.

I had just gone through a life and body changing experience, something no one could ever be prepared for. My life just had a mysterious turnaround, so many dreams yet to become a reality. I have not yet lived, then I stopped living. I was in shock.

There were so many people ready to help me pick and sort through the pieces left by the ravaging storm. There were lots of suggestions about how to move on. I heard a lot of real life experiences to learn from, comforting words from the Bible, motivational words from those who had gone through same, almost same and those who were closed to people with similar problems.

They had no idea, not really

But none of them could penetrate. They couldn’t give me what I needed, because even I didn’t know what i needed. There was none of them who had actually gone through what i had been through. They knew someone who knew someone who had been through similar situation. I looked at them and concluded they could never understand.

And every time i tried to explain or let them in to what i was really feeling they preach more, they suggest more when all I needed was just to express, so I started a blog.

I started a blog to express all I was feeling

I wrote about my fears, my pain, my loneliness, my hopelessness and hope. there were no comments, no sermon, no judgement and no urges to move on and leave the past in the past

I was free.

Writing set me free, it gave me the freedom to express myself without holding back. i was able to vent, rant, scream and cry without shame.

and then it healed me